I watch from inside
as mortal becomes remains
finally, cede control
I am 44, and my multi-hued hair is turning from primarily dark brown to a sort of salt and cayenne mix. Someday I imagine I’ll have some pinkish fluff on my head that matches the ill-mannered apricot poodle I also intend to have. I don’t mean to dye my hair, unless I find some shockingly bright color appeals to me. I suppose then I’ll have to dye my poodle to match.
Why such a morbid poem about gray hair? Well, it’s not about gray hair. It’s about realizing that I can’t control any of this, the riotous hormones, my once luxurious hair, the fluid shape of my middle. I can only be kind to myself. I can eat something because it makes me feel well. I can take a walk because the outdoors sustains me. I can see people, and write words, and spend several hours hand knitting a dishcloth, though my dishcloths have lives that are nasty, brutish, and short. I can let go of the frustration of being stuck on the worst amusement park ride ever (Ride the MenoCoaster! Money back if you don’t feel like screaming!) and just….slowly….breathe for a few minutes.
Just when that quiet wants to turn to tears, the school bus brings the circus back to town and saves me from a surplus of contemplation. Maybe I should get that poodle soon, and teach it some tricks.