That’ll Bring ‘Em In

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what the fuck is this
velociraptor signage
to headless park host?


I normally love the quirky things you find in rural communities, but this is in a town called Lafayette, which is one of the creepiest places I have the pleasure of driving through. It’s rumored to be truly haunted, but naming your RV park “Sleepy Hollow” ain’t helping. “Ichabod will be around later to see if you need some firewood.” Nope.

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It’s Got a Ring, Thanks Anyway

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poor future suitor
just try to live up to this
prior engagement


Seven and I crafted this gorgeous cocktail ring from a kit. She is very pleased with it, and informed me that if any boy tries to marry her, she can tell them she’s already engaged. Or…just no? That works, too.

The Mic May Not Be On, But I Don’t Let That Stop Me

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“Are you talking to me?” you asked.
Oh…um…I guess I am talking to me.
There was an argument to finish up
So I did it in soliloquy.

Then some inner dialogue
Needed desperately to be outer,
And when I reached a conclusion,
I presented it in the shower.

I asked me some interview questions
For my someday late night debut,
So…I’ve talked to myself all day–
I have nothing to say to you.


Sure, it’s not weird if you talk to your co-workers, but if I talk to mine (the candle, the dog, my chair, the pens), I’m “socially maladjusted.” I know I’m not alone in this. Well, technically, I am alone, but I mean you probably do this too, just not with anyone. Creatives have a lot going on in the brain and if you don’t open the valve a little, it explodes.

PS. That great poster in the background is available here for a mere $5: Dumb Runner Obstacles Poster

Nosleepferu

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I used to sleep every night
With the covers around my neck,
To protect myself from vampires,
Those monsters straight outta heck.

Tasty veins swaddled in safety,
My bedroom door closed tightly,
I slumbered in cozy confidence
All through every nighty-nighty.

Now, at least once a week,
I scream loudly without warning,
As a bedside child scares me awake
Because nothing can wait ’til morning.

I no longer need the blankets.
My door hangs all willy-nilly.
Monsters don’t frighten me anymore,
It’s my kids that scare me silly.


I really did sleep with the covers around my neck right up until we brought home a newborn. At that point, I learned how to fall asleep anywhere, in any position, with or without blankets. The nice thing about newborns is they lack the mobility to sneak up to your bedside and whisper “Mooommmmy” like some little possessed person.

Also…I know that is a huge leap from Nosferatu. *shrug*

Throwing Out a Line

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No matter how many talks I’ve done,
Or how many books I’ve sold,
When I get to kid Q & A
Turns out, I’m ten years old.

They’re skeptical from the start.
It’s a boring talk on how to write?
But then I mention Minecraft
And let them quiz me about Fortnite.

Yes, I like to Imagine Dragons
Both in my ears and on my page.
I’m in Ravenclaw through every sort
Despite my extremely oldish age.

After establishing these credentials,
They lean forward and pay attention.
Instead of someone’s unextraordinary mom,
I become the Mother of Invention.


After I released The Tiny Giant, I did a number of school visits to 4th and 5th grade classrooms. I adore giving this talk, there is always one kid furiously taking notes and one who asks me how much I make. While fielding questions on video games probably takes away from my message a little–it also gives the kids a way to relate to me. You should see how they light up! When I said I’ve been listening to Imagine Dragons lately, the girls in one class actually cheered.

I wouldn’t say anything that wasn’t true, of course. Kids can smell pandering a mile away. It is, however, very helpful to be able to talk Minecraft with them and then hit them with your wisdom on proofreading.

PS. Want me to come talk to your kids in the Portland, OR metro and surrounding areas? Drop me a line here and I’ll be happy to discuss it with you.

Foam Over Substance

coffee

there is no “problem”
just because I like to use
coffee as creamer


There was a period in my life where quad lattes and the occasional use of bottled Starbucks drinks as creamer was normal. I had a stressful job and I fueled my insane workload with more coffee than was really healthy for one person to consume. It was my own little corner of fatalism–I will do this job or have a caffeine-induced heart attack trying.

Now I drink about 3-4 cups of brewed coffee a day. That’s…less? Yay me? I would quit (I have several times, including two pregnancies), but I still have shit to do in this life and coffee is how I do it. Coffee makes my world go ’round. Sometimes a little spinny, sure, but still.

Made With Concentrate

editnig bears

Sneak up behind me
While I’m unawares,
You might catch me
Eating editing bears.

Oh! So contemplative
And satisfyingly gummy,
I eat whole bags
When my first draft’s crummy.


It’s a bad habit, I know, but I’ve always had a weakness for gummy bears when revising or editing. Something about a pure sugar high makes it easier to connect, cut, and fix mistakes. If I ever need to go into battle, give me a pouch of Haribo beforehand, and I’ll be your bearserker.

What’s with all the bear puns this year? I dunno. It’s late.