08.17.16
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The AmaZone

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To the tune of “Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins

 

Bootin’ up your laptop
Lookin’ for some deals to score
Browser under fire
Beggin’ you to add to cart

Information highway to the AmaZone
Right now from the AmaZone

Shippin’ into your town
Boxes standin’ on your porch
Prime sends it all free
So go ahead and get some more

Information highway to the AmaZone
Buy it now
Right now from the AmaZone

They never say hello to you
Drones flying through with tiny loads
They can bring some stuff to you
As much as your credit card can hold

I’m logging into Edge
Gonna wipe my wishlist out
It’s Christmas in two days
‘Cause I forget what I bought

Information highway to the AmaZone
I’m gonna order
Right now in the AmaZone
Highway to the AmaZone
Right now in the AmaZone

Official Video of Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins for your sing-a-long pleasure: Danger Zone Video with Awesome Jets

Note: This actually happens to me, I get in the Amazone and order things that I’ve been forgetting at the store, and when they come?  No idea what’s in that box, because I’ve forgotten it again. I know a song parody isn’t really a “poem” per se, but I was raised on a steady diet of MAD Magazine and Weird Al Yankovic. It counts if I say it does.  Back to Poemy McRhymeface tomorrow.

08.16.16
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Tasteless Room

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There’s a new winery in Dundee,
Poised for domination.
Can’t wait to try the red–
It’s called Merlostruation.

Note: I’m all about a slightly earthy name, if it’s clever. This one–well. Let’s just say it gives me the Swiftian urge to mock it mercilessly until it goes away.

Also–I’ve made it to the Ides of August!  Sixteen postings done, and fifteen to go.  How bad can it get?  We shall see.  I think tomorrow may be a song parody.  Yes, I will even go there.

08.15.16
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iNappropriate

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iNappropriate

I think I’m in love with my phone.
I’d like to say “Not like THAT,”
But I’m not so sure that’s true, as I
Swipe this way, oh YES, and that.

I touch it more than my husband,
Passionately sedating myself.
What about him? Oh, I don’t know.
He can take care of himself.

I should put down my screen.
Ask him to go for a walk.
But if we could no longer text,
I can’t figure out how we’d talk?

 

Note: I’ve found the solution to this is to introduce your elementary-aged children to Pokémon Go. You’ll never have your phone again.  Also, whoops.  I forgot my titles are all caps, and a little capitalization joke wouldn’t show up.  I just didn’t plan ahead for capitalization jokes.

08.14.16
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No One Reads My Blog on Sunday

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I don’t have anything to say today.
It’s Sunday, and no one is reading.
But if I want to check my box,
Some sort of poem I’ll be needing.

Ahem…here goes:

There once was a middling poet,
Who didn’t know when to stow it.
She tortured poor August,
‘Til downward she boggest.
Barrel bottom? She ventured below it.

Limericks are the last lazy refuge
Of a poet in complete desperation.
That said, I worked twenty whole minutes on that–
A masterwork of self-deprecation.

Note: I have something I think is better that I’m saving for tomorrow. It’ll be interesting to see if anyone else thinks it’s better. *snort*

08.13.16
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On a Camera Roll

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I went to take a picture
Of my snowflake being cute.
My phone said, “Not today, lady.”
My memory was kaput.

It wasn’t corrupt or hijacked,
It seemed to be working fine,
But there’s already 10,000 snaps
And half of them aren’t mine.

I admit I like a cloud shot
And I take the occasional selfie.
My kids, though, geez almighty,
Blurry shots from bats to belfry.

If I ever need their fingerprints,
I won’t have to bring an item.
I have 500 close-ups of fingers,
It’s the Phone Age way to provide ’em.

Then there’s shots from all the apps,
Cartoons in different wigs.
Surely don’t miss an iteration
Of how you dressed up a pig.

When they venture into actual shots,
It’s sometimes cruelly unkind.
“Here’s Mommy scowling her bestest frown
And a panorama of her behind!”

Delete, delete, delete, delete.
Make room for actual pictures.
Though this one is rather artistic…
What a way to see bathroom fixtures!

Note: By far my favorite is when they take 100 selfies with different facial expressions. I really do save some of those, it’s comedy.

08.12.16
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Dentrificial Hygiene

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Gross kids’ bathroom,
Sticky to the touch.
Toothpaste everywhere,
Except on the brush.

My kids are very capable, generally, except when confronted with a tube of toothpaste. Then they turn into infomercial actors and the toothpaste just shoots all over, completely outside their control. WHAT IS THIS? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THIS?

08.11.16
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They Can’t All Be Winners

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Where do I get them?
Well, my ideas are pests.
They bother me all the time
Yelling, “Look at me, I’m the best!”

I can’t drive, run, or walk
Without finding one on the ground.
They try to play it like coincidence,
But I know they follow me around.

Like too many children,
I can’t give them all attention.
The best ones get my blood and tears.
The others? Honorable Mention.

Everyone creating something (unless it’s fan art/fiction) will get asked at some point, “How did you come up with that? Where do you get ideas?” I can’t tell you where mine come from exactly, but it’s critical for me to let my mind wander, to notice details, and to go outside, away from all the things and screens and small, loud people. You might see a guy riding a bike anywhere. Look closely, and you’ll see that he’s carrying his stuff in a Crown Royal bag dangling off the handlebars. Now you have a story.

08.10.16
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Disaggregation

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the neighbor lady
pressure washes her driveway
into losing weight

My neighbor is a frequent user of her very loud power washing device. Every imagined particle of dust must be blasted out of existence.

“But look at all the dirt that comes off!”

That’s your driveway.

08.09.16
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My Fancy Color Didn’t Work Out

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Never ask a creative
What color you should paint.
The answer will always be
Some color that it ain’t.

You should ask a farm kid.
They’ll say, “Get the leftover stain.”
They’ll get a roller and use it up
And the rail looks nice again.

I’m working on getting that second-story deck rail finished, a year after I started it. I could blame it on the rain, but you’d probably cry fake–mostly the problem is that it’s way more work to “frame my vista in a buttery vanilla color” than it would have been to “slap some stain on the fence that keeps the kids from falling off the deck.” Regrets, I have them. I also have an ugly half-finished deck rail. Not what I had imagined.

08.08.16
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My Voice Is Invisible

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Parenting Today:
I repeat myself using
many decibels

 

Long day. If you are posting Back to School pictures, well, good for you.